So you’ve found yourself enamored with a certain someone, enough so that you fancy yourself trying to get to know her better, where ‘get to know her better’ really means ‘that you’d like to date’. You consider yourself a nice guy, so you opt for the subtler approach. You decide to woo her by showing her that you’re a sensitive, caring guy who’s only got her best interests at heart. It’s foolproof, right?
This is goes on for a while. The girl in question does indeed warm up to you, and before you know it the two of you are friends. But that’s all you are, because no matter how hard you try, she just doesn’t take the hint. Congratulations, you’ve just been friend-zoned.
Or, have you?
No. No you have not, for the simple reason that The Friend-Zone Does Not Exist. That’s right, it’s all in your head. So before you go complaining to all of your friends about how things are never going to go anywhere between you and your would-be-but-not-really girlfriend, consider some things like:
The nature of your friendship.
The question you’re most likely asking yourself and maybe others is, “is she leading me on?”
The answer to that question is probably a no. Just because a girl is nice to you yet doesn’t want to date you doesn’t automatically mean she’s using you or leading you on. Do some gals do that? Yes, but so do a ton of guys. Also, the sky is blue, but not always. Doesn’t mean that this is absolutely true in your case.
The real question to ask is, could she really consider you as ‘just a friend’? Could it be that rather than her not seeing what could be between the two of you, she actually enjoys what you do have? If a girl confides in you, tells you things that aren’t common knowledge, chooses to hang out with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to date you, nor does it necessarily mean she’s using you. It means she trusts you. You might want to be making sure you don’t ruin that.
When you eventually find out that your lady friend isn’t seeing you the way you see her, you have the opportunity to react in one of two ways. You can either accept that and leave it at that, or you can do the really, really stupid thing and get mad about it. “All that time, wasted!” you might think to yourself.
If you chose the second option congratulations, you suck, not that that isn’t obvious. Also, it reveals something else,
Your motives for being in the friendship.
The long and short of the matter is that whether or not you feel you’ve been put in the ‘zone’ depends on whether or not you have ulterior motives. If you befriend someone for the express purpose of dating them, then of course anything less than dating them is going to be disappointing. It’s kind of like how a farmer raises a chicken knowing he’s going to eat it one day. No matter how well that farmer treats the chicken, its going to be hard for him or her to see that chicken as anything other than what it is: dinner. Because in the back (or front, if he’s particularly hungry) of his mind, the farmer knows what the eventuality is. The farmer and the chicken have drastically different ideas as to where their relationship is going, and one of them is going to be sorely disappointed. And probably eaten. Not that I’m comparing anyone to a chicken, that would be weird.
But let’s, just for a second, take the Selfish Shades off for a second and look at it from another point of view: hers. Would things really be better for her if you were a couple? What is it that you could offer her as her significant other that you can’t as her friend? Think real world benefits. Sure being able to suck face all the time is a benefit for you, but does she stand to gain from all that tonsil tango? Or any of the other things I’m not going to write (but you know exactly what I’m referring to) you’ve imagined doing? Probably not. But let’s say for arguments sake that your intentions are pure, and you really do want what’s best for your friend. If you are what’s best for her, shouldn’t you trust her enough to make that decision for herself? And if she chooses to pass, shouldn’t you respect her enough to respect that decision?
The bones of what I’m saying, my friend, is this: the friend-zone is like The Matrix – it’s a false construct that only exists in the minds of those who want to believe in it. While the friend-zone is nonexistent, a friendship can be very real, and it’s probably what you’re about to destroy right now. If she doesn’t like you like that, then no amount of ‘being nice’ is going to change that. So maybe, I don’t know, stop trying to change things and appreciate the friendship that you already have? That, that would be something a truly ‘nice guy’ would do.